A Letter to Xander Who's One

Xander,

You are a year old today. Where has the time gone? I still feel like I’m getting to know you and you have been in our lives for a year now.

You are the most amazing little baby. You learned to walk at 10 months. You were so motivated to get moving. Maybe because your two big sisters walk around everywhere and you are desperately trying to get in on the action. Now you follow them around and try to play with them but it’s hard because you are so little.

You are most fascinated by things that aren’t actual toys, including your sister Peyton, and the cat Hercules. Your face just lights up when Peyton plays with you or Tori talks to you. Your favorite game is Peek-a- Boo/Hide and Seek. You and I play this game a lot and you get so excited and your arms wave around and you smile so big when you find me or if I say ‘Boo” around a corner. I love your smile! It’s so big and happy. I can’t help but smile whenever you do. You also like joining Daddy and Peyton when they play ball in the hall. It’s fun to walk back and fourth and try to catch a giant ball.

You do a lot of talking and hand gestures but we still aren’t quite sure what you are saying yet. I think just recently you have started calling me “ma ma” but I’m not entirely convinced. It’s more like ”ma ma ma ma ma ma ma...”

You hate to sleep. You are so busy all of the time so when it’s bed time or nap time you are very much against it. Daddy can get you to sleep better than Mommy can. You seem to be more comfortable with him and he sings lots of great songs for you that help put you to sleep faster. I don’t blame you, the world is a very interesting place and you don’t want to miss out on any of the interesting stuff.

You love music and can dance to it just a little. Anytime music comes on and you’re around you tend to stop what you are doing and just listen. You also seem to want to start taking things apart to see how they work. Hopefully you won’t do that too often!

Just recently you have started pushing cars around, bouncing , jumping and rolling balls, and waving. You love bouncing! Since you have mastered walking I think you have moved on to new things. You are doing so well. To think you started out in this world three and a half weeks early and very tiny. They said you would have to go to NICU but you never did. You were strong willed from the beginning. Just like your sister, you know what you want and somehow you will let us know.

I love you so much little man. I can’t wait to see what kind of little person you turn into.

Love,

Mom

Peyton is so smart it boggles my mind sometimes. Doug and I were having a conversation about when Publix was open till today. Being New Years and all... Peyton heard us talking and taid they are open from 7am to 7pm. Damnit if she wasn't right. How does she know these things? Obviously she can read but she just inhales all knowledge around her. It's amazing. She's so awesome!

Peyton asked me at bedtime tonight:

Do Mermaids have Belly Buttons?

Do Mermaids poop?

I say yes...they have belly buttons as they would be mammals like dolphins not fish hatched from eggs.

Today Xander waved bye, put a ball in a hole, and danced to music.

September Already

Well, let's see. It's been about 3 months since I checked back here. I'm so terrible at keeping up. It occures to me to update at odd moments and then when I'm in front of a computer I forget.

Xander is 8 months old and really working hard on walking although he hasn't figured out how to crawl yet. He's fascinated by everything. The numbers as they count down on the microwave, Spongebob, Plastic that he would love to put in his mouth! He's a dangerous little boy. I think we are really going to have to do some major child proofing for this kid. I think he's tougher than my daughter. He's exhausting all he wants to do is walk. I'll be glad when this stage is over and he finally can walk. Only problem is I think he's going to take off running and never stop! He's discovered his tongue. I mean I think he's known it was there for quite a while but all of a sudden it's always out as far as he can get it. I've got to get a good picture of it. It's hilarious!

Peyton has started Pre-K and loves it. She has a best friend already! I'm so happy for her! When she gets home her day was "Great!" That is not her usual response to anything. So I'm very glad she's happy to be there. She decided after just one dance class for the new year that she wanted to do Gymnastics- now that we are signed up for that she has decided she doesn't want to do that either. Fine, whatever, we will do nothing for a while. I really want her doing something extra but with Pre-K three times a week maybe that's enough... for now. I guess I'm a little dissapointed cause I love to watch the new things she has learned and I was really looking forward to another recital. Apparently she wasn't and I don't want to be that mom!

Saturday when we were all out shopping after Gymnastics Peyton asker her dad "Dad, how long is your tongue? Does it go all the way down to your vagina?" Interesting anotomy question. Of course Doug was so stunned he couldn't answer accurately. Ahhh well- anatomy for another day.

After a year of living together full time with a teenager I think things are going much smoother. It's really a mindset on my part. Teenagers will do what they will. I was one once and I broke every rule there was. I can't fault her for doing normal teenage things- all we can do is guide her and hope she emerges as a responsible adult. So far she's busy with marching band and drama club. I hope it stays that way!

Things aren't calm and smooth but it's not all chaos either.

My husband and I have manages to set aside some time for ourselves. Just a little. We've made it to the ocassional party, concert, etc. I just had my 35th birthdya and we both made the best of it and got new tattoos. That was a lot of fun! Doug is now addicted and wants another but he can't understand why- because it hurts!

A letter to Peyton, Who's 4

Peyton,

You are four years old. I still relish the fact that the baby has not gone completely out of you. Your arms are still tiny and compact and those elbow dimples are still there. Your just barely chubby cheeks and knuckle dimples haven’t gone away yet either. That may be all that is still baby about you. You never really called me Mommy much. It was always Mom and Momma. Now it’s mostly Mom, unless you are tired, then it’s Mommy.

At times you still want to be the baby, maybe to stay in competition with your little brother, but mostly you want to be all grown up. Just last week you tried to convince Daddy that you were old enough to stay home alone for the day. You planned on making yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and then figuring out how to turn the hose on to water the flowers. That was going to be your day.

It’s been a year of adjustments for you. Last summer you inherited your sister full time and in January your baby brother was born. Subsequently making you the middle child and no longer having baby status.

You have always been very strong willed. You know what you want and you aren’t afraid of letting anyone know it. It definitely makes parenting a challenge but I wouldn’t change you for anything in the world. You are very important to me. I love you more than I ever thought possible. As you have grown and blossomed from a baby into a little girl I am amazed every time I look at you.

You love to learn and you are such a little sponge. Before you even turned four you were beginning to read things. It’s only a matter of time before you will be reading complex sentences. This year you start Pre-k. You have already told us very vehemently that you don’t want to go to school, unless you can play on the playground the whole time.

This summer you completed your first year of dance and had a recital up on stage. It’s was very exciting. You did a great job and were very cute in your tutu. You also played T-ball for eight weeks. I don’t think you liked that very much. It was hot and tough. The little boys raced head first into each other trying to get the ball. You are a little more careful and not quite as ready to get into a collision over a ball. You were very excited when you finally did go after a ball and get it though. Dance seems to be more your thing. You love dancing around the house in dress up clothes. Pretending to be Cinderella, Ariel, Tinkerbell, or anyone else you are into at the moment. You direct everyone in the house to be part of your role playing. Daddy does the best job and can do all of the voices.

This year I took you to the Little Mermaid Ballet, as well as the Snow White Ballet. You loved the ballerina’s in their costumes and you tried to imitate their dance moves. The first time they came on stage you gasped and said ‘They are so pretty” It’s very cute to watch you and see how graceful you are becoming. Grandma Ginger took you to the Toy Symphony at Rollins College and you danced there as well. Until you decided you were done with the whole thing. There wasn’t much to look at.

You have just recently discovered board games and love them. You want to play them all the time. We have to go over cheating on a regular basis. Like all kids your age, I assume, you like to make your own rules. It’s amazing to see you coming into yourself. You are growing and learning at such a fast pace. You are so smart. I love you more than you will ever know. I can’t wait to see what this year brings.

Love,
Mom

You, are a Turd named Mom.

This is what my three almost four year old said to me. She actually waved her finger at me as if she were casting a spell, making me a Turd. How can you help but laugh at that. I wouldn't let her dust so that's what I get. I'm a Turd. I don't even know where she learned the word Turd- and she wouldn't or couldn't tell me. It's not something that's in my vocabulary or anyone else that she knows- that I'm aware of. It had to be that evil t.v.! She's hilarious and the things that come out of her mouth are surprising.

Peytonisms

April 12th 2009
"I don't want to call this movie Wall-e, I want to call it Blueberry Pancakes"

April 16th 2009
"I'm not that little I'm three I can totally reach everything"

May 3rd
Always go poopy with an adult because if you don't, it's a safety violation.

Things have gotten better

Maybe it was a desperate internal plea... Maybe it was part hormones, part frustration. We all sat down and had a long talk. Tori was clear and appeared to be open. She agreed to counseling and said she didn't want things to be like they were either. She said no matter what- she'd try very hard. So we are trying... Things are much better. Still tough- and probably always will be. We can only hope that she will grow up and leave the house with all of the life lessons we have taught her.

I'm lost

I don't know what to do. I'm torn. I love my husband but I'm miserable. I feel like a momma lion cub trying to protect her young. My step-daughter is making this house so uncomfortable to live in. I don't trust her. It would be different if she were trying- but she's not. She's actually making things worse. I think she'd be happier with her mother. I don't think she knows how to live normally here in our house. She's so used to the roller coaster ride of disfunction and bi-polar disorder that our usually calm house is...too quite. She can't understand it and she's miserable so therfore she has to make this whole house miserable. Just like her mother does with the people around her.

Today I didn't even want to go home. Both of my children were there and I miss them every hour that I'm not with them- but today I just wanted to stay away because there is a stranger in my house. I hate how all of this takes away from my time with my children. What's the right thing to do here. Send her away. I want to say no it's the wrong thing. I wouldn't send my own kid away so how can I expect my husband to do it?

At 14 is she too far gone to be fixed? She won't stop lying to us. I despise lying. I don't want it in our house. I don't like the deceit, the attempts at manupliation, the sneaky attitude and the secrets. There is nothing positive about it. Tori's mother is toxic and Tori is turning our house into a toxic place to live. I understand that teenagers are another entity but there is more to this. She doesn't listen or care or contribute. It's gimmie, gimmie, gimmie. She doesn't appreciate the fact that we have been bending over backwards to allow her to do extra ciriccular activities, picking her up, paying for them, nothing. Her mother never did anything for her- so you'd think she'd be more appreciative of the things we provide... but no. She's not. It's as if it't expected.

I'm rambling and my thoughts were so much more clearer as I drove home today bawling my eyes out. But I realized that I am miserable with her here. Doug tells me more and more how snippy, and bitchy I am. How I'm always barking orders- and I had a ephiphany today. It's because she's here. I'm so pissed off about what she does to this family I bark orders at her, and at Doug because I blame him for her being here. It's not his fault. Not really. But I blame him. When she's not here things, or maybe me, are calm and relaxed.

I want her to go but then I think that's not the right thing to do. The parent in me thinks there is still a chance- but truely I know there isn't one. I think I have given up. She needs counseling and she's never going to get it. Even if she did, would it matter. She's had 14 years to develop and solidify this personality. She doesn't listen to us and she turns right around and spits out lies. What's the right thing to do here. I keep telling myself only 4 more years... I don't know if I can make it that long. It feels like an eternity.