A letter to Peyton, Who's 4

Peyton,

You are four years old. I still relish the fact that the baby has not gone completely out of you. Your arms are still tiny and compact and those elbow dimples are still there. Your just barely chubby cheeks and knuckle dimples haven’t gone away yet either. That may be all that is still baby about you. You never really called me Mommy much. It was always Mom and Momma. Now it’s mostly Mom, unless you are tired, then it’s Mommy.

At times you still want to be the baby, maybe to stay in competition with your little brother, but mostly you want to be all grown up. Just last week you tried to convince Daddy that you were old enough to stay home alone for the day. You planned on making yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and then figuring out how to turn the hose on to water the flowers. That was going to be your day.

It’s been a year of adjustments for you. Last summer you inherited your sister full time and in January your baby brother was born. Subsequently making you the middle child and no longer having baby status.

You have always been very strong willed. You know what you want and you aren’t afraid of letting anyone know it. It definitely makes parenting a challenge but I wouldn’t change you for anything in the world. You are very important to me. I love you more than I ever thought possible. As you have grown and blossomed from a baby into a little girl I am amazed every time I look at you.

You love to learn and you are such a little sponge. Before you even turned four you were beginning to read things. It’s only a matter of time before you will be reading complex sentences. This year you start Pre-k. You have already told us very vehemently that you don’t want to go to school, unless you can play on the playground the whole time.

This summer you completed your first year of dance and had a recital up on stage. It’s was very exciting. You did a great job and were very cute in your tutu. You also played T-ball for eight weeks. I don’t think you liked that very much. It was hot and tough. The little boys raced head first into each other trying to get the ball. You are a little more careful and not quite as ready to get into a collision over a ball. You were very excited when you finally did go after a ball and get it though. Dance seems to be more your thing. You love dancing around the house in dress up clothes. Pretending to be Cinderella, Ariel, Tinkerbell, or anyone else you are into at the moment. You direct everyone in the house to be part of your role playing. Daddy does the best job and can do all of the voices.

This year I took you to the Little Mermaid Ballet, as well as the Snow White Ballet. You loved the ballerina’s in their costumes and you tried to imitate their dance moves. The first time they came on stage you gasped and said ‘They are so pretty” It’s very cute to watch you and see how graceful you are becoming. Grandma Ginger took you to the Toy Symphony at Rollins College and you danced there as well. Until you decided you were done with the whole thing. There wasn’t much to look at.

You have just recently discovered board games and love them. You want to play them all the time. We have to go over cheating on a regular basis. Like all kids your age, I assume, you like to make your own rules. It’s amazing to see you coming into yourself. You are growing and learning at such a fast pace. You are so smart. I love you more than you will ever know. I can’t wait to see what this year brings.

Love,
Mom

You, are a Turd named Mom.

This is what my three almost four year old said to me. She actually waved her finger at me as if she were casting a spell, making me a Turd. How can you help but laugh at that. I wouldn't let her dust so that's what I get. I'm a Turd. I don't even know where she learned the word Turd- and she wouldn't or couldn't tell me. It's not something that's in my vocabulary or anyone else that she knows- that I'm aware of. It had to be that evil t.v.! She's hilarious and the things that come out of her mouth are surprising.

Peytonisms

April 12th 2009
"I don't want to call this movie Wall-e, I want to call it Blueberry Pancakes"

April 16th 2009
"I'm not that little I'm three I can totally reach everything"

May 3rd
Always go poopy with an adult because if you don't, it's a safety violation.

Things have gotten better

Maybe it was a desperate internal plea... Maybe it was part hormones, part frustration. We all sat down and had a long talk. Tori was clear and appeared to be open. She agreed to counseling and said she didn't want things to be like they were either. She said no matter what- she'd try very hard. So we are trying... Things are much better. Still tough- and probably always will be. We can only hope that she will grow up and leave the house with all of the life lessons we have taught her.

I'm lost

I don't know what to do. I'm torn. I love my husband but I'm miserable. I feel like a momma lion cub trying to protect her young. My step-daughter is making this house so uncomfortable to live in. I don't trust her. It would be different if she were trying- but she's not. She's actually making things worse. I think she'd be happier with her mother. I don't think she knows how to live normally here in our house. She's so used to the roller coaster ride of disfunction and bi-polar disorder that our usually calm house is...too quite. She can't understand it and she's miserable so therfore she has to make this whole house miserable. Just like her mother does with the people around her.

Today I didn't even want to go home. Both of my children were there and I miss them every hour that I'm not with them- but today I just wanted to stay away because there is a stranger in my house. I hate how all of this takes away from my time with my children. What's the right thing to do here. Send her away. I want to say no it's the wrong thing. I wouldn't send my own kid away so how can I expect my husband to do it?

At 14 is she too far gone to be fixed? She won't stop lying to us. I despise lying. I don't want it in our house. I don't like the deceit, the attempts at manupliation, the sneaky attitude and the secrets. There is nothing positive about it. Tori's mother is toxic and Tori is turning our house into a toxic place to live. I understand that teenagers are another entity but there is more to this. She doesn't listen or care or contribute. It's gimmie, gimmie, gimmie. She doesn't appreciate the fact that we have been bending over backwards to allow her to do extra ciriccular activities, picking her up, paying for them, nothing. Her mother never did anything for her- so you'd think she'd be more appreciative of the things we provide... but no. She's not. It's as if it't expected.

I'm rambling and my thoughts were so much more clearer as I drove home today bawling my eyes out. But I realized that I am miserable with her here. Doug tells me more and more how snippy, and bitchy I am. How I'm always barking orders- and I had a ephiphany today. It's because she's here. I'm so pissed off about what she does to this family I bark orders at her, and at Doug because I blame him for her being here. It's not his fault. Not really. But I blame him. When she's not here things, or maybe me, are calm and relaxed.

I want her to go but then I think that's not the right thing to do. The parent in me thinks there is still a chance- but truely I know there isn't one. I think I have given up. She needs counseling and she's never going to get it. Even if she did, would it matter. She's had 14 years to develop and solidify this personality. She doesn't listen to us and she turns right around and spits out lies. What's the right thing to do here. I keep telling myself only 4 more years... I don't know if I can make it that long. It feels like an eternity.

To Easter Bunny or not to Easter Bunny

Millions of people dress their kids up every year in their special Sunday dresses and little suits just to get their picture taken with an unknown person in a bunny costume. Why? Why did this become a multi-million dollar machine? What's so fabulous about these pictures? They aren't that great... You don't get very many of them, it's really expensive... I have seen crazy moms that remind me of stage mothers. Their five year old little girls in tow decked out with make up and hairspray and the whole nine yards. It's not a model shoot. It's the Easter Bunny- at the mall!

I've been debating on making the trek to see the Easter Bunny. It's not a fun thing to do. My daughter is almost 4 and my son isn't even 3 months old. My daughter is terrified of Santa Clause and refused to go near the Easter Bunny the last time we took her. So I think it's safe to say- she's scared of him as well. I don't want to drive all the way to the mall, stand in line with two cranky kids just to get up to the front of the line and realize it was all a waste of time. Not to mention, do I hand over my infant son to the person in the giant bunny costume? Those furry paws can make someone really clumsy.

So really what's the point. Because I need to allow my kids to have these memories. I don't recall seeing the Easter Bunny as a child. I certinally don't have any pictures to remind me of these incidents. When I was a kid the Easter Bunny was an elusive giant bunny. He'd come and bring candy and an Easter Basket for me. He will do the same for my kids- but do they really need to be forced to stand in line for hours and sit in his lap just get their picture taken. I'm just not seeing the point here. An I missing something?

So it begins

I am going to try again to exercise and lose weight. I tried before and I tried blogging about it before but there was no one to hold me accountable. Except myself of course. Well that didn't work very well. So I'm trying again. I have lost all of my baby weight with Xander but I never lost my baby weight with Peyton. On top of that I already needed to lose weight. Luckily I'm not wearing maternity clothes but my clothes just don't fit the same. Things aren't in the right place.

I'm not comfortable posting my weight. I know the my 1st major goal is 50 Lbs- cause then I want to get a new tattoo. I can't have one till I do that! I don't think I can lose 50 Lbs in six months but we will see. I want to do a 5K in 6 months. I figure that will give me enough time to get ready. The 1st three months I'm just going to concentrate on walking and losing weight. The last three months I will add in running and see how I'm doing with it. I am very nervous about even signing up for a 5K. I feel kinda stupid for even considering it. It's just not something I ever pictured myself doing. I wasn't really raised this way. Not motivated by fitness I guess. I don't want my kids thinking that. I want to be that person that is addicted to fitness. I don't see that happening but you never know. I walked Saturday and Sunday night. Bought a new pair of walking/running shoes on Sunday and some hand weights on Saturday. The hand weights really make a difference. It's amazing! It's supposed to tone your arms while you walk. I can see how it would. After two days my arms were so tired.

My first realistic goal is to be able to fit into the pants I was wearing before I got pregnant with Peyton. Then I would go on from there. I currently have a lot of clothes that I can't wear! It'd be nice to either wear them of clean out my closet if they are outdated.

I have this skirt from my senior year of high school I always thought I was big then but I wasn't as big as I thought. If I could just fit into that skirt someday I think I would be happy. My husband would probably be happy as well because that is the size I was when we first met! I wonder if it's possible? Only time will tell I suppose.

We sued for custody and got a mess.

I don't even know if I want to post this. I'm so exhausted over it all. Plus it's not going to be short.

Tori is a mess. Her mom really did some damage. She has no self-esteem. She pretends, she smiles like everything is okay but I think she's lost and barely hanging on. I think she's the perfect candidate for a suicidal kid.

I heard her mom tell her on the phone- from France "I could have aborted you but I chose not to I have sacrificed my whole life for you why can't you do this for me. " Meaning see me/her in France. Who says that to a kid?

Her mom is back in town- we think. She contacted Tori to let he know she would be here for sprink break and that she was staying for a while. Tori hacked into her mom's e-mail and found her plane ticket confiirmation so she is pretty sure she's actually here now.

After the two went back a fourth for a while with e-mail, phone, & IM. Tori sent her mom an e-mail telling her she didn't want to see her at all. Her mom never responded and has not contacted her since then.

Even thought Tori is afraid of her mom after what happened over the summer I think she hoped that telling her mom to basically fuck off that her mom would try to make the effort to prove that she loved her. Well- she didn't.

She has been pulling a lot of shit at our house lately. I don't know if it was because of the arrival of her mom or concidence. Doug thinks maybe she's acting out so much that subconsciously she thinks he will have to contact her mom and she will have to see her... Lies, disappearing, drinking, sneaking an 18 year old boy into her room in the middle of the night. Some of it is normal teenage stuff and then some of it isn't- I can't really tell which is which. For all of this she's on major lockdown but the lying is still continuing. Lying about really stupis trivial stuff. Like she can't control it.

Her mom's house was up and down all the time partly because we are told by her family that she is Bi-polar. Unmedicated, undiagnosed- but it all makes sense if she is. Her mom also has a lot of other problems. Tori is used to this drama filled house. We don't have that here. Our house is very...normal... I don't know. Aside from being loud because of a preschooler and a new baby our house is very calm with no drama- besides her. I don't think she knows how to be in a calm house like ours. I think she feels even more lost because it's not firmiliar.

I hate lying. It's the biggest offense in my house- besides a felony. LOL She knows I hate lying that I don't want it in my house yet she'll look me right in the eye and lie to my face. I am so mad right now that I can't even talk to her. It's just been one lie after another.

Last night she ate dinner at the table and then went to her room for the rest of the night- her choice. Doug went to go tell her to go to bed later and I could hear her crying. Saying things like "I don't belong here, I should have just stayed with my mom... At least she faked some of the mom part- that was better than nothing. I just want my mom"

Doug and I talked about it all and I came to the conclusion that- and I can only guess because Tori doesn't share anything- much. Is that she's going through the stages of loss. Her mom didn't die but it's s similar concept. 1st she was in denial, then anger and now grief.

Maybe it's better for her if she's not around her mom ever again. If a heroine addict goes through detox and then does heroine they have to start all over again so is her mom literally like a toxic substance? Does she need to completely detox before she can move past this?

She needs counseling but Doug is convinced it won't help. She'll lie to the counselor or she won't talk to them at all. She won't share anything of importance. Which is true in a lot of cases. The psychologist we took her to last said she couldn't help her because she was too smart for her. WHAT? Who says that?

Doug and I aren't qualified to handle this... What the hell are we supposed to do?